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The focal point was sort of drowned out by the background (which is actually WHY it works very well as a desktop wallpaper). Just something about it makes the piece very heavily left balanced.
But that's just my two cents.
I think it'd be interesting to see it as a series in this method.
I can't say wether it's because there are too many different ones, or if it's just me. But I have the feeling that this style is more suited for things which need to be finished quick (like you want to achieve for your manga) rather than for full blown artwork.
I'm sorry, I really can't put my finger on it. Are you going to do colored screentone artwork soon? Maybe I'd be of more aid than now. But yeah, maybe it's just me and I'm too used to your old coloring style and I only have to get used to your new methods.
But idiocy aside, this is some excellent work. You have a very unique and defining style, and it works really well with this technique